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A Dog Will Come Running When His Boy Calls Rape

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A Dog Will Come Running When His Boy Calls Rape

Trigger Warning

To begin, I need to disclose that I borrowed that title. I took creative license with a line from the poem, People You May Know, written and performed by Kevin Kantor. In it’s original form, the line is, “No one comes running for young boys who call rape”. It’s a powerful piece of art, it impacted me profoundly and you should watch it here. I’ve embedded the video below as well.

I also want to say that I promise this post relates to dogs. It’s going to take me a while to get there, but please be patient. The dogs, like grace, will appear.

A survivor of childhood sexual abuse finds support and strength in his deaf dogs.

To begin, I need to disclose that I borrowed that title. I took creative license with a line from the poem, People You May Know, written and performed by Kevin Kantor. In it’s original form, the line is, “No one comes running for young boys who call rape”. It’s a powerful piece of art, it impacted me profoundly and you should watch it here. I’ve embedded the video below as well.

I also want to say that I promise this post relates to dogs. It’s going to take me a while to get there, but please be patient. The dogs, like grace, will appear.

There is something about bloggers that you should know. We write many more posts than we actually share. Sometimes, we write something that we fear is too personal and we shelve it. It speaks a truth too bluntly or loudly, or perhaps we are afraid that our readers will be turned off, so we tuck away these posts as if souvenir postcard confessions. We choose not to share them because the brutal honesty we poured into it reveals something of our lives we aren’t prepared to share; yet, we cannot bring ourselves to delete them, for you can’t unwrite the truth. I have dozens of these posts sitting around, collecting dust, awaiting an uncertain future.

But there are times that we choose to bellow from our blog. When this happens, we aren’t writing it or publishing it for you, our readers; we are doing it for ourselves. Although we hope it will resonate with you, the point is disclosure on our terms. Anything beyond that is gravy.

Bloggers create a platform for ourselves and every once in a while we allow ourselves to say exactly how we feel. We say it exactly how we want to say it, and in doing so, we give ourselves permission to be fallible and vulnerable and exposed to the bone in a public space for all to see.

We write it, we own it and we publish it. Consequences be damned.

Today is that day for me.

A survivor of childhood sexual abuse finds support and strength in his deaf dogs.

I am frequently asked, Why deaf dogs?. It’s an understandable question and my stock answer is that I always root for the underdog. Deaf dogs need advocates, they need awareness of their existence and people who share their lives with deaf dogs need both support and camaraderie. For those deafies in shelters or private rescues, the odds are stacked especially high. These dogs are frequently big, adult, unruly dogs who have never been trained, often because their owner didn’t know he was deaf. He was written off as a stubborn, ill-mannered dog who refused to learn.  And now he’s in the shelter system, often with a clock ticking loud enough that even he can hear it. These dogs deserve our help.

Advocating for deaf dogs is one part of the social contract that goes along with sharing your life with a deaf dog. You do it for all the deaf dogs out there, but you also do it for the one who changed your life forever. I made a promise to Edison very early on: I will work to help his people anyway I can.

But as honest as that answer is, it isn’t the whole truth.

It’s not an accident that I chose to go into animal welfare. There are reasons I prefer the company of dogs over any other species, especially human. It’s not a coincidence that pit bulls and other demonized breeds resonate with me and that I am drawn to injured, neglected or abused dogs. There is an explanation and it’s neither noble nor altruistic.

I recognize myself in them, and by saving them, I hope to save a part of myself that desperately needs a helping hand.

Between the ages of 6-10, I was sexually abused by a family member living in our home. The consequences have haunted me ever since.

Soon after the abuse started, I told my mother. She didn’t pause and she didn’t listen. I’m not sure she even looked up. Instead, she denied it. She matter-of-factly told me that it didn’t happen, that I was wrong, and then she went back to cleaning the bathroom, located at the top of the stairs that led to the basement where I had just been forced to do unspeakable things. That day it happened in a dark corner next to the sump pump. He continued to live in our home for four more years and he molested me the entire time.

One of the consequences of childhood sexual abuse can be deeply rooted, seemingly insurmountable trust issues, which I battle everyday. I find it extremely difficult to open up to people, to assume anything other than they will hurt me. This is an obvious and logical response for survivors that most people can understand.

The opposite and less obvious reaction is that sometimes I trust too much. To non-survivors, this probably makes no sense, but I assure you that it does- as much as anything about raping children makes sense.

If you are violated as a child, you quickly learn ways to cope and keep yourself safe. Pushing people away is a defensive maneuver that provides the illusion of safety. However, in keeping a safe distance, you inadvertently perpetuate those feelings of aloneness and helplessness you felt during your abuse. The rape was the trauma, but the aftermath is what will kill you.

If you don’t connect with someone, something, you have nothing to cling to during dark flashbacks and crippling anxiety. Sometimes, the little boy that still lives inside me is so desperate for protection, for connection, for the possibility of healing, that he reaches out too far, too soon or to the wrong person.

Personally, I use humor to both reach out and to push away. If I make you laugh, you will like me and that feels good to someone who is just now learning to like himself. Yet, I’m still safe because you only know the man I pretend to be, not the boy I really am.

A survivor of childhood sexual abuse finds support and strength in his deaf dogs.

But dogs. They are healing. In dogs, I trust completely. And when I focus my mind on them, I feel better.

Dogs are the most amazing creatures ever put on this earth. No other being will love you like a dog, unconditionally, in your darkest, meanest hours, those ugly days when you can’t make the flashbacks stop and you pace and pace and pace, waiting for it to pass.

Dogs are pure and loyal and true. They depend on us for everything. In this way, dogs represent the child I was before I was molested. Innocent. Trusting. Forgiving.

Dogs are also confident, clear about their boundaries and will fight back if cornered, threatened or hurt. In this way, dogs represent what I wish I could have been for myself when I was powerless to make him stop. Strong. Unwavering. Fighter.

Writing this now, I feel a heaviness in my belly, an ache, and the nausea. Some memories still trigger vomiting for me, and my mind is flooding right now.

But if I concentrate on my dogs, my anxiety subsides, my stomach unknots and I can no longer feel myself gagging like I did so many times so very long ago.

I have close, intimate relationships with each of my dogs. We share secrets, tell stories and lick each others wounds. Each of my dogs has a story, a past that still affects them today.

Darwin was a 6-month old puppy, running scared and alone, uncollared and unleashed, through a CVS when I found him. Like me, he was terrified of getting close yet desperate for love and safety and comfort. He spent a long time sizing me up, watching my every move before he allowed himself to approach me. I understand that caution and careful consideration.

Galileo was a 5-month old puppy who had been abused to the breaking point, literally. He had fractures in his lumbar vertebrae and was unable to walk on his hind legs. He is the sweetest, kindest dog, yet four years later we still see the scars of the abuse. He’s terrified of loud noises, of brooms, of sticks, and if you move towards him too quickly, he will cower to the floor. He dreams a lot, and they don’t seem pleasant. I can relate to that.

Edison and Foster are deaf and, accordingly, invisible to most of the world. Being invisible is a terrible thing. You know you have a body, you know you have a voice but, still, you live in the margins. Unseen. Unheard. Unknown. This one is personal for me.

A survivor of childhood sexual abuse finds support and strength in his deaf dogs.

I have so much in common with my dogs, individually and collectively, and I believe we found each other for very specific reasons. Each one helps me as much as I help him.

Because I allow myself to connect with them, I can more safely connect with myself and my past. My boys allow me to experience love, freely and unabashedly. They tell me their secrets and I listen, and in the very moment that I need them the most, they will wake up, walk over and nuzzle me with their nose.

They love me and protect me in precisely the same ways my abuser and my mother failed me. They are the safety I’ve longed for almost 40 years, and without them, I’m not sure that I wouldn’t be dead.

But that is the magic of a dog. They can turn chicken shit into chicken salad with nothing but a wagging tail and a lick upon your face.

If you are experiencing sexual abuse or if you are a survivor of childhood sexual abuse, please seek support and help. A good place to start is RAINN.

You May Also Be Interested In:

   Why My Deaf Dog Is My Hero
The Four Causes of Deafness in DogsThe 4 Causes of Deafness in Dogs/one-half]

 

Comments

  1. Bernard… what courage it takes and such a will to heal for you to be able to tell your story to the world. I hope it helps you in your journey to mend these deeply gauged wounds, and I hope it might inspire courage in someone rlse who needs it. Your post is raw, honest and a beautiful example of how healing and special our bond with dogs is. My heart is with you.

    Reply

  5. Wow, this is an amazing, heartfelt, straight to the gut, raw, beautiful piece. I think I need to process it and then come back and read it again. When you write that you wish you were more like your dogs because when cornered they will fight back …well there are many ways to fight and you survived and that makes you a fighter in my book!

    My animals were my protecters, too, and still are. I totally agree with everything you said about dogs and I too always root for the underdog. And I also totally get you on the humor thing! I have also had these kinds of bonds with cats, too. I’m pretty sure my childhood cat, Pepsi, would have taken a bullet for me – and was my ultimate protector.

    OK, I’m going to go process this piece and will probably be back later. Thank you for sharing your life with us!

    Reply

  6. Bernard, first your writing is wonderful- such a clear voice that anyone that writes knows is very hard to achieve. Beautifully written and beautiful words. Your words resound with me and how I feel about the animal kingdom. Keep it up and dare I say- please write a book?? I will be the first to buy it… xo

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  9. You’re writing is both inspiring and extremely touching. I’ve had such strong connections with my canine companions, and it’s so important to know we’re not alone. You have such a wonderful, courageous voice and I look forward to all of your future endeavors.

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  10. So. I love you. I write many personal posts and I believe that’s what’s gotten me a lot of my current readership. People like to know that we are real and we have real problems too. I’m also in the process of writing two very personal posts. What’s great is that although you have endured something so absolutely horrific, by writing about it and sharing, you could help someone else. Other people can relate, and that’s why I love blogging. I’m glad you shared. You are helping someone else by doing so.

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  11. Bernard, Kudos for the bravery and courage you have shown in sharing this with us, it is powerful, moving, heartbreaking and inspirational. I wish you joy for the future

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  13. memories haunt us in different ways – fear, grief, abuse take all of us down different roads. I think we all have that little voice and that little voice can be loud when we allow it – thank you for your bravery in sharing this out loud.

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  14. Wow, speechless here…

    Thank you for sharing Bernard, you are a beautiful person, for all you have endured. Bless you for doing what you do. Keep up the good work!

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  15. You are beautiful to open your heart so freely. This post has such deep meaning. The power of the blogger is a mighty one, and when they connect with their audience, the relationship only deepens. My heart goes out to you. And you are a survivor – one day at a time. Much love. Beautiful tie in with the dogs.

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  16. I’m so very sorry for the scars from your past. Thank you for your honesty and sharing. It takes courage to open up, and in that, I hope this helps others. Dogs are, indeed, powerful healers.

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  17. Thank you for writing this! But even more for posting!! Such bravery, courage and truth for a subject that gets swept under the rug. You have helped many with your actions and may God heal you and your sweet dogs wounds. Xoxo

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  18. Wow, powerful stuff, Bernard. I admire your strength in surviving all this and the passion you bring to your work with the animals who need help the most. Dogs are indeed wonderful healers.

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  19. Thank you for being such an understanding and loyal friend to your dogs. They are are our best friends who wordlessly understand our joy and pain, and never judge us.

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  20. You are very brave for writing your post about the abuse you suffered and I am so sorry you never felt safe in your home. God bless you. I will keep you in my prayers.

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  21. Sexual abuse is disgusting, unacceptable and just BAD TO THE BONE. Unfortunately you were the one who suffered in the hands of the monster but now you are free and you can work towards having an empowered joyful life free from trauma eventually. The abuser could not touch your soul so you need to reconnect in depth with that pure place inside. Good Luck beautiful man and we are all here supporting you from around the globe.

    Reply

    • Sorry to reply on your comment but I couldn’t see how to leave a comment. from 3 years of age till I was 14 my oldest brother raped me molested me shared me with other pedophiles my therapist and I have worked out over 3,000 individual rapes. I ran away I left the country and I kept running when I stopped running three deacdes later I met someone and fell inlove and immediately the nightmares started my therapist said allowing myself to love again took the lid off my emotions and let the nightmares and flashbacks out. I was on the point of suicide.I am also a paraplegic and an epileptic so I was given a belgian malinois service dog called zeus he immediately picked up on the nightmares and began to wake me when they happenned and cuddle when the flashbacks came during the day he has saved my life.

      Reply

  22. Thank you. For your honesty, your vulnerability, your heart, I thank you.

    Your post was painful to read because of how much it resonated with me.

    One of your first lines said this of writing blog posts that we do not publish, “we cannot bring ourselves to delete them, for you can’t unwrite the truth”.

    This is so true, it hurts. I’ve been blogging lately, but not publishing my articles. The brutal honesty that writing requires leaves me too vulnerable to people and their harsh words. So I write, but I don’t make them visible to the public.

    I can’t connect to dogs in the way you do, likely because of the way I compared myself to the family dog when I myself was a pup. But I find healing in animals, in caring for them, and repairing for them what I wish had been repaired for me.

    Thanks again, for allowing us to be witness to your truth.

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  26. Thank you for sharing this! It will be very helpful to other people who might be going through the same kind of pain. Like you, I grew up in a home that was full of abuse. My mother stood by and watched, totally unwilling to confront my abuser. I too turned to animals. They are very comforting and they understand us in a way other humans can’t. I’m glad that you’ve turned your pain into power. 🙂

    Reply

    • Thank you for sharing, Robin! My intention in writing this was catharsis and my motivation for sharing was self-healing. I’m now realizing that so many people are helped or supported by this post. Feel free to share with anyone who may appreciate it or benefit from it!

      Reply

  27. I think this is the most heartfelt and moving blog post I’ve ever read. I’m so sorry that happened to you as a boy. I think another dog blogger mentioned one time about how a lot of us dog bloggers might be so close to our dogs because of similar reasons, lack of trust or faith in people for one reason or another. I know that’s true for me as well but I don’t have the courage to write about it, at least not yet.

    Thank you for sharing your personal story about a very difficult part of your life. I’m sure everyone who reads it is as touched as I am and I hope it may help someone out there that might be dealing with a similar situation.

    Reply

  28. You have so eloquently put into words my exact thoughts. I have written “my story” so many times but I was never ready to hit “publish”. I had the fear of being judged, and the fear of being vulnerable. My fears were paralyzing my forward progress.

    When I finally hit “publish”, it was like releasing a pressure valve…one that had been too tight for far too long. I now feel free and unafraid.

    As a fellow survivor, I applaud the strength it took to share your story. You will certainly make a difference in the life of another.

    Thank God for dogs and cats and the power of unconditional love…

    Hugs,

    Kimberly

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  29. My face is wet with tears. Your writing is so moving and so powerful. And therein lies the truth…you will never be powerless again. Through your writing you are reaching other people who are suffering in silence, and through your advocacy for dogs, you are changing their lives forever too. What a beautiful legacy you are creating in this world, Bernard! Taking something devastating and ugly and turning it into something beautiful and healing. Thank you for sharing your innermost thoughts, and thank you for all that you’re doing to give a voice to the voiceless, both human and animal.

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  30. This is the most amazing post that I’ve ever read. It’s beautifully written and so very eloquent. I’m in awe of you and the dog lover that you are and you are, by far, such a talented and lovely individual. thank you for sharing this.

    Kimberly

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  31. God bless you for all you have done for these babies. I am sure you see it as what they have done for you as well. (((HUGS))) and prayers for your continued healing.

    Reply

    • Thank you Maria! I very much appreciate you sharing your feedback!

      This sounds like an odd question, but how did you come across this blog post? It’s a getting a ton load of traffic today!

      Reply

  32. wow… just wow. i’m crying because you put into words all that i feel and cannot express and for that i thank you and am deeply grateful. thank you for sharing so much of yourself. i too have 3 dogs that help me in the worst moments. our newest member is a shelter dog that is mixed breed of sheperd, rottie, lab and was so shelter shocked himself when he came to us that we quickly bonded. at first he became aware of my episodes when i was obviously distressed would force me to play with him and focus my attention on him in the here and now and get me out of the past. now he can tell before i am fully aware myself that an episode is coming on. when he alerts me and i become aware of what is happening, i can sometimes now pull it back and stop them before they become the out of control freight train they can be. God gives us these blessings for sure! also, can i print and share this with my therapist?

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  33. Thank you!!!! thank you for writing this and having the courage to share it. I have thought about posting more.. but fear stopped me.. you’ve said so much I feel. my dogs have been my saving grace.. in Many ways. thank you.. it’s not enough , but it’s what i can put into words

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  34. I just read this, and this is so powerful and real, thank you for sharing. I myself am deaf so I think it’s so neat about deaf dogs…I didn’t realize that people don’t realize the dog can be deaf and wind up putting them in shelters, thinking they are untamable or something. I hope to find one some day and teach it sign language! I’ve seen a few videos on that.
    I also agree that dogs are amazing animals, a true gift from God himself. They are indeed so incredibly aware of our needs emotionally. We have a dog that makes us laugh and is so fun. She brings much joy to our family. And I feel safe with her. I’m sorting thru issues of abuse and such… still journeying. Some/much of it still seems “locked” up in my heart. Many blessings to you and your dogs.

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  35. Well and courageously said. I am an abuse survivor also owned by several rescue animals and couldn’t agree more.
    Sending love and respect to you and your 4 legged family!

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  36. This was an amazing read, I am so glad you have your dogs with you. They are life savers! Prayers you find healing on your journey. Paws & Stripes shared your post on their FB page, they do amazing work pairing dogs & veterans with PTSD.

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  37. Wonderful heart wrenching post. Thank you for your courage Bernard. CSA permanently changes who we are as people. I often wonder who I would have become without it. Your post reminds me of that raw, haunting flood I still sometimes get in the middle of the night, as memories come flashing. It’s good to know other survivors out there. We are strong together! Congratulations for your honesty and bravery. I know that you will make a big difference and inspire courage in other survivors.

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  40. What a brave post to write —- and this is exactly why my heart and home will always be filled with the “underdog” — although I do not know the level of pain you have felt in your life, I do understand the depths of what dog can do to heal us from our hurts and pains…..thank you for sharing something so deep to try and help others! I wish kids had more places to turn when their parents don’t listen……

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  41. One of the things I really appreciate about dogs is now they live in the now. Many dogs that come to the shelter are like that. AT best, lost or discarded, at worst, abused and neglected. And though they still have fears and reactions (as you mentioned your dog does,) they aren’t “thinking” about what happened to them. SO as our dogs heal us, we can also return the favor, and by loving them, heal them too. Peace,

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  42. What a beautiful, courageous post, Bernard! Thank you so much for sharing such a personal experience with us. I was transfixed; couldn’t stop reading. I’ll definitely share. Dogs just do seem to know what we need, at any given time. They are such a blessing. Would be really great to figure out a time to meet. Would love to meet your amazing dogs, too. We’re not too far from each other.

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  43. This has moved me to tears. They are streaming down my cheeks. Such an amazing and inspirational man, Bernard! Beautifully written and thank you for sharing. I can’t fathom the horrific cruelty humans inflict. You have touched my heart and my soul. Sending you my love xxx

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  45. Profound post. Brave of you to share. Dogs are incredible. So glad yours found you. I love their names. All the best to you.

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  46. Bernard, Thank you for your bravery and your unflinching honesty. I am sorry there was no soul as kind as you to reach out when you were cowering in the terrifying isles of your childhood. Thank you for choosing to live and for choosing to love these sweet, wounded pups. And finally, thank you for providing the information that may save another life or rescue another little boy. Well done.

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  47. Thanks for your honesty! It was extremely deep, so emotional, and can’t enough thank you…
    All the best and happiness! Keep being brave!

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  49. Your vulnerability is beautiful. Thank you for your courage, thank you for sharing your story. It hit home. We just got a dog about a year ago, and I never thought I’d get, or be so emotionally attached. Your story explained and expressed how I feel towards my little Coco. She came from an abusive home, and all I wanted to do was protect her and help her understand that she is now safe. We are now safe.

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  50. this is powerful writing. To show your vulnerability takes great courage. My dog has awakened me from sleep paralysis/nightmares and kept her head on my shoulder comforting me while I was on my hands and knees in great physical pain for hours, . She has somehow noticed my silent sobs or tears while in other rooms and has appeared to comfort me. She too has loved and protected me more than anyone. This is the magic of the dog. Your story beautifully expresses this soulful healing connection we have with dogs. thank you . and I wish you much love for yourself .

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  51. I dont understand why would someone rape a child when there are plenty of adults willing to have sex. Why hurt an innocent child? I can relate to some of the author’s word. I had isolation and emotional and physical abuse to deal with. Parents were no help and eventually I developed PTSD and DID. I’m more of a cat person, but I am glad you found the 2 dogs and helping each other.

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  52. This was shared with me by a dog lover who knows I am a survivor and work with other survivors. Thank you for describing so honestly and well the pain of being abused, the agony of not being believed and the difficulty with trust (too much and too little). You make it understandable but also make my own compassion bigger – for me, for you, for invisible or hurt animals of all kinds and for the glory of dog love waggy tale kissing face honesty. My 11-mon. old Ella is under my chair as I write this.
    Cissy

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  53. Thank you so much for sharing this. This resonated with me. I’m in my mid 40’s and never had a dog until 6.5 years ago (I’d always liked dogs but never felt a strong attachment to them). When I got my first dog (chosen because he was small and scared) my life changed. I never made the connection between what I experienced when I was young with the deep attachment and connection I now have with dogs until I read this. You put into words exactly how I feel. I always thought that I was a little nuts for loving and needing them as much as I do but it makes perfect sense now (I understand now why I gravitate to the injured or frightened dogs at the shelter where I volunteer). Thank you for helping me feel a little more sane and a little less alone.

    Reply

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